Happy Sunday (and Mother’s Day).
I did not get a chance to write last Sunday, which for me (in accordance to doing a routine) threw me off my game a bit. Words continued to mesh themselves inside my brain and I didn’t have the time to let them break out. We fast forward to today and here I am writing, but my words are struggling now to come out. I am literally shaking as I sit here, the aftershocks of an anxiety attack that hit me last night to a point I made myself almost sick. I hadn’t had one in so long, that I had almost forgotten what they felt like. Yet, when my body feels off (not like when you get sick) but really feels off, I knew something was wrong.
Because of my feeling, I dug out my medical folder. I rarely ever go and look at these files, due to the fact that it’s mostly just receipts and random medical visits. The non-conclusions from doctors on why they cannot figure out symptoms or why I am not given straight answers. So in today’s day and age, besides relying on those people we seek for answers we venture off to the great beyond of Google and search. I knew that was part of my reason why the attack happened. I took everything that I was reading in my file and googled extensively. (And no…death did not occur.) But in “researching” I became more and more depressed. A re-occuring ailment has popped up again, and prior I was assured that everything was fine. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like knowing exactly what is going on with my body. It freaks me the hell out. The slightest pain, the slightest discomfort, the change in skin color or feel, freaks me out. I am sure that I am not alone in this thinking, that we all want to know exactly what is wrong with our bodies when we haven’t a clue on what is happening.
I’ve watched through the years between here and my real life, people deal with different ailments, cancer, changes within their bodies. I get that the human body is not perfect and it breaks down, mutates, changes throughout our life. As human’s we dislike change if it disrupts our daily routine, especially changes within our bodies. I just wish that when things do change, it didn’t cause such havoc on my thoughts and I could just accept that it is what it is.
Course, that would be too easy.
For credits and landmarks, see below. ❤Top: Baiastice – Cabana Top in Denim (S) / Sissy Pessoa *Collabor88*
Skirt: Baiastice – Flore Skirt in Flowers (S) / Sissy Pessoa *Collabor88*
Necklace: Cae – Arabesque Necklace / Caelan Hancroft *FaMESHed*
Headband: Glam Affair – Flower Headband in Peach / Aida Ewing *Collabor88*
Basket: Lark – Picnic Tin in Pink CHerry / Sienia Trevellion *Collabor88*
Shoes: Gos Boutique – Miranda Chunky Pump – Bouquet Collection (xs) / Gospel Voom
Skin: Glam Affair – Coral in America 02 H / Aida Ewing *Collabor88*
Hair: Tableau Vivant – Page Hair in Solstice / Marilyn Magic *Collabor88*
Eyes: IKON – Promise Eyes in Green (ml) / Ikon Innovia
Pose: Kirin Poses / Carolina Sautereau