There’s a lot of uncertainty right now. For the past two years I’ve been in school. Some know that I uprooted my life a bit back, quit my job of almost seven years, killed my health care, trashed 75% of my material possessions and went…home. (Well, not what I call home – more like my parent’s home.) In making that decision I isolated myself from my peers, my close friends and colleagues. I had always thought that when I left my husband and asked for a divorce, that decision would have been my hardest – but it was nothing compared to this. People can spring back from broken relationships, just like they can spring back from falling into the abyss of not knowing what to do with their life. It just depends on how long they decide it will take them.
When I moved here, I told myself I would give it five years. To many – five years is a long time, but in the grand scheme of things – five years is nothing. Two years have passed. I’ve gained (well officially in December after one more course – thankfully online), a new degree and hopefully a new career. But I can’t help but feel broken down. Two years ago, when I made this decision, I was at an all time low. Even though I had a stable job, income and an array of friends, I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing a thing. I wasn’t moving forward while everyone else was. Here I am, entering my mid-thirties and still struggling with what I wanted to do with my life. My confidence level lacked. I constantly beat myself up and would attempt to drag myself back up, only to be shoved back down again. To be honest – I was tired. Tired of getting no where.
So now, school is ending. I’m terrified. I’m scared of not succeeding. I’m scared of failing and letting down my family and the people I left to make a better life. I know I should feel proud of this – this accomplishment of sucking it up and going back to become better, but I don’t. I cannot move past it. Maybe this is where I’m failing, as I still haven’t gained the confidence that I should have.
I can sit here and write to-do lists, organize my life. plan things out – but in order to actually accomplish that one feat, I need to have a better understanding of myself. I just do not know where to look or start. How can one succeed when they already feel like that have failed? I keep on pondering that question.