Choose

I wish there was a better way to go about things.

Think Positive. Let the bad things go. Enjoy Life! 

You are your own worst enemy. Whether or not to admit it, the choices you make are the ones in which only YOU can live with. You have no control over those that cross your path and you cannot control the way they think, or even think about you. All you can do is choose to handle your own life in the best possible setting.

I constantly question myself on how to handle things, especially in regards to my feelings or in a way sanity. I try to write out what I feel, think and digest because it helps me process what is going on. I have huge faults – christ – we all have faults. I know that I’m not alone in thinking that the worst things that happen to us are just learning curves and that we alone are not a one-man island, but when things go wrong, bad, or down right dismal – we feel that we are that one-man island. We are the only thing left.

I am scared because of where I am right now that I have to choose. I have to choose whether to continue to embrace this cloud of resentment, anger and sadness which will eventually shatter the remaining bit of happiness of what I have within my real life and second or I can let go. I can let go – not just remove, but really let go and face the facts that these choices are sound and right. They may hurt and feel like my life is ending (for surely…it is not), but I know – I KNOW I have to.

It’s the question though of whether I’m strong enough to do so. I don’t know. Some people have all the strength in the world. They have no issues picking up those pieces and heading straight forward, telling like it is. They can charge like an elephant into a crowded room and make it their own. They are IN CONTROL. I envy that. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I envy their tenacity, their strength. I know I have that strength. It’s there. It’s buried deep and I have to find it. That’s what we do, don’t we? We reach for those stars so that we can be the person we want to become. Whether or not we trip and fall flat on our face along the way, we still try to reach. We choose to do so.

I keep telling myself “Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll start afresh – anew. I will be cleansed of all this. I will toss away everything and make it all better. I will do this to be fucking amazing.” But – there is that problem. Tomorrow comes. It’s the same. Try to pick yourself up, let it all out. Internally swallow everything and put on a happy face. Then watch it explode. Because this happens, you lose those closest to you. You resent their happiness. You resent them for moving forward, while you still are so many steps back. You resent them for moving on and leaving you behind. Of course you cannot tell them that. No no no. Telling them this would show how petty and pitiful you really are.

But I have to. I have to make these choices. I have to stop playing the victim. MY FAULTS are my own. I have to accept that. I have to … better said then done. I am not as strong as I let on. I am my own worst enemy. And I’m sorry if I have offended or hurt those in the process. I am sorry if I have closed off and pushed or prodded. I will live with it and learn. I’ll choose to make these decisions based on what will allow me to move forward. I will no longer be the victim, play the victim or resent.

I will choose and do so.

Struggle

Jacket: [Decoy] Roux Cardi – Black (s*loose) / Annette Voight *Collabor88*
Shirt: Izzie’s – Low Neck Tee – Taupe / Izzie Button
Pants: coldLogic – Jeggings – Seyfried – Black (s) / Damien Fate, Janie Marlowe, & Zyrra Falcone
Shoes: [Gos] Boutique – Isabella Sandals – Magic Collection (xs) / Gospel Voom *Collabor88*
Bracelet: Maxi Gossamer – Honey Diva (small) / Maxi Gossamer
Necklace: Cae – Charmed Collection / Caelan Hancroft
Skin: Glam Affair – Katya – America 03 C / Aida Ewing
Hair: TRUTH Hair – Stephania / Truth Hawks *NEW*
Eyes: IKON – Vanity Eyes in Banshee (m) / Ikon Innovia
Hands: Slink – Mesh Hands in Elegant / Siddean Munro
Boat: {vespertine} / Amelie Knelstrom
Location: BCC

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